his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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