You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Randomize
