Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I came so hard my ears popped.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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