I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
