My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
