i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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