one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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