I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
