I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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