You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
