it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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