I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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