i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
