So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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