I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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