Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
