i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize