Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
