i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
