Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
