Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
