i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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