I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
