Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
