God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
