i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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