It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Randomize
