Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He shit in the fireplace
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
