Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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