It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
