i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
