Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
