did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
