Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize