this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
