i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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