my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
