Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
