I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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