I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
