Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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