I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
