After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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