They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
