Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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