How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
