Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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