I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
