i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
