I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
