Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
