my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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