Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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