I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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