everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
