would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
