i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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