I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
