i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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