Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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