Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
