i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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